I’M screaming inside!

I scream aloud each waking day, so loud but no sound. I smile at  everyone  but deep inside I am screaming aloud. “Help! help!” is my cry but no one seems to hear me. Where is the sound of my voice? I am yet to know, all I do is scream with no voice.

My heart aches because I know what I can do, but life isn’t as easy as I sometimes wish it were.  Hear my screams oh LORD, and come rescue me, I’m in need of Your help and cant do without You. I’m afraid to call You sometimes, I know the answer, buts it’s hard to put on paper and I know why. I can hide from the world but cant hide from You. I’m screaming inside and no one seems to know.

Scream! Scream! Scream! is what I do, calling for You, while waiting for Your return. Here I am Oh LORD, Your child is here, waiting for You while screaming inside.  Examine me FATHER , and what You find is true. I can hide from the world but I can’t from You.

Look beyond my filth and make me white as snow, You know my heart longs for You and that is true. I’m not where I hope to be but better than I was! I struggle daily with things that are wrong and know the reason why. I question you and hate when I do, forgive my childish ways and have mercy on my soul.

I’m a fool at times, and wise at others. I hate being a fool so I draw unto You. Screaming inside LORD is what I do, longing for You to come rescue me. I humble myself before You because You are “YOU” and that is that.

I crave for knowledge and desire wisdom, seek understanding and nothing more. Oh LORD, examine me and find the truth, whether it’s good or bad.  Apart from You  I am nothing but a fool, lost and confused, and heading to hell. Hear my cries LORD, and turn me not away, for the day you do, where else should I go?

I am screaming inside but no one seems to know but You. Help! Help me, only You can help me. It hurts so badly, the pain seems too much to bear, will You help me? I know You are not powerless but I don’t know if You are willing to help.  I need Your touch, Your love, Your comfort, I need everything You have because I can’t do this alone anymore. Help! Help me because I am in need of help.  I am screaming inside and the only one who seems to hear is You.

GOD I DON’T LIKE YOU SOMETIMES!

Am I bold or a fool? That’s a question I’ll probably never get answered but could hear many opinions on the subject. I wonder if I’m the only one who ever admits this out loud? Again, I expect lots of opinions but not the answer I seek.  Does it make me less Christian just because I admit this, or does it make me human? At this point I have many questions but few answers and am not even sure I have hope of ever receiving the answer.  But I still need to admit that I just don’t like GOD sometimes! “Why?” you may ask? I guess that question might come from the lips of the  righteous religious ones but those who understand me and are honest won’t ask it. I know some may think, “How dare you say such a thing? GOD is the only one who has that right, but He already knows this whether I speak it out loud or not.

It’s funny that I don’t like GOD at times, and though I have many reasons why I don’t, it’s still funny to me. I wonder if GOD finds me funny, or if He finds me stupid? I have a feeling even though He may not find me funny, He does understand me.   That’s what I love about Him, He understands and never will stop loving me. Unfortunately, I don’t really understand Him but am learning to accept His method of doing things. Maybe I’m not called to understand but just trust and obey His word. Well, we’re working on that.

Lately I find myself getting tired of fighting the same battles. The funny thing is, the fight has increased. Sometimes I want to scream with everything in me, but I hold back because I only want GOD to hear my scream. Sometimes I shout and sing until I have no voice. At times I cry like a child, other times I express my anger. Am I crazy, does that make me bipolar or just a human?  Does it even matter? Who knows!

I’d like to say  I’m human, someone who has a big heart but is in a big fight… someone who doesn’t understand the purpose of the fights but still holds on to what I believe. Someone who never gives up, even though life gives me reason to; someone who gets up each day believing that its my day but is often disappointed at the end of it. Am I crazy to admit I don’t like GOD at times? Will I be judged by this?  I don’t know but I’ve learned I’m only frustrated in the places that aren’t full yet.  When will those empty places be filled?

I’m not sure and honestly sometimes think I don’t care! I do found myself judging others and as a result am judged by them. I find myself questioning the will of GOD, even doubting Him at times, yet I’m still here believing.  Do I care about the opinion of others? (Only the ones who are important to me.) Do I care that others may think I’m crazy? (Heck no.). All I know is me. At times I don’t understand me, and don’t like the way I deal with certain things. I don’t like when I sin, don’t like it when I hurt others, and I definitely do not like knowing that I don’t like GOD at times! LORD help me because I might have just taken this honesty thing too far (ha ha).

WORKING IN AN UNGODLY ENVIRONMENT

Last Monday I started my internship with an electrical company. Though I was excited to begin this journey, it became clear to me that it wasn’t going to be easy. Many workers on site communicate with the “F” note; when they aren’t doing that, their topic is sexual. Everywhere you turn it’s the same tone and tune you will hear, along with equipment and loud machinery. There is never a moment when one can get away in her head and breathe a little. I found myself overwhelmed, angry, tired and even struggling to work in such an ungodly place. Sometimes I find myself going home unhappy. Retracing each day in my mind, I realize it’s difficult for a Christian to work around ungodly people.

Everyday the topic is about sex.

One of my classmates who is now my coworker cannot go five seconds without saying, asking, or even doing something sexual. Sometimes  I find myself shaking my head at his ignorance and even laughing about it. Unfortunately I’ve even made comments. My thought pattern is everywhere when this happens because I know this just isn’t my life any more. Sadly, every turn this kid makes has to be sexual. If only he wasn’t so lazy and would put some of that energy into the work, things would be smoother. I had to stop for a second and feel sorry for these people because they truly are ignorant. I would love to be able to work in a Godly environment but this the field I have chosen and I have to go where the work is.

Know it all!

I am one of three interns from my school that started this job last week. Another came from somewhere else and he is the worst to work with. He had some work experience but his attitude makes me hate being around him. He does not listen, desires to do all the work in order to be praised and already has an opinion about the rest of us. God forgive me, I was happy when he was reprimanded by the supervisor. I honestly don’t understand his motives and he isn’t someone I enjoy working with.

Everyday is a struggle!

Each day I go to work and am excited to be there… then these coworkers arrive and I hate it. I struggle most of the time, wanting to be nasty back to them; the rest of the time I find myself being entertained. I  realized I need to switch places often because it’s not good for me to stay in one location too long. As a Christian I know I’m supposed to change that place instead of allowing it to change me, but sometimes I struggle. I needed to be honest because it helps.

My prayer!

Lord help me! I struggle every day. I know I am to represent you always but I know I haven’t done a good enough job. Help me to do better and help me to change that place instead of allowing it to change me. In  JESUS’ name, Amen.

BITTER CHRISTIANS!

Six years ago when I gave my life to Jesus I was like a new-born baby. It wasn’t my first time saying the sinner’s prayer but I knew this time was the last and final one. I then became part of a group that called themselves the “Body of Christ”. It felt like the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. I had no church of my own and it felt good to belong to a group where I thought I would learn and grow. I can’t fully recall how I became a member of the Body of Christ but I do remember it was through a lovely lady, who is now in the arms of JESUS. I called her supermom because of her willingness to fight for her life and her family, while battling cancer. Unfortunately our relationship ended because of my unwillingness to forgive her even when she asked me to forgive a past hurt.

This group had several administrators but the two main admins were David and Fern. David believed he was called to be a pastor and had a dream to have his own church someday. Each Sunday he or Fern would put up what they called their church sermon. Honestly I don’t remember reading the full message because it was not only boring but made no sense to me. For a while the group was growing because we were encouraged to find new members of this so-called Body of Christ. In the very end, everyone went their separate ways.

MY TIME IN THE SO-CALLED BODY OF CHRIST!

When I first joined, I looked forward every day to meet with this group. I remember being shy and feeling lost because I was a new baby to this life. I was the kid that was funny and it was good until I was confronted by Fern. She sent me a long private message, which wasn’t mean, but made me feel even more lost. Later when I became what she wanted me to become, she wanted me to be the funny kid again. Each day we debated Christians and non-Christians on Facebook. Then later we would meet and celebrate the day’s work. I knew something wasn’t right because I felt nothing but emptiness. David and Fern decided we should have live video chats and, though it started out okay, many members including supermom didn’t like it much.  I remember speaking about it with her. We both agreed that the group should return to Facebook but she wasn’t bold enough to tell Fern. . When I finally admitted I didn’t know what we were doing here, I was stunned to discover the woman whom I had grown to love didn’t have my back. Fern replied to my message not with love but with bitterness and anger. I later removed myself from the group and out of supermom’s life. The last time we spoke neither of us were nice to each other. I didn’t notice she deleted me until last year.

MY CHANGE!

One day the leaders had a few of the members including me create a new Facebook page and then go to the atheist pages and just post scriptures. We claimed it was successful but the truth was it was not. We looked like fools and something inside me knew I should not participate in this. We were representing GOD but no one came to JESUS. I remember asking GOD for a leader to teach me about His Kingdom. That was when He gave me Pastor Ron Carpenter.  David and Fern didn’t like that much. They had nothing good to say about any other pastors. David wanted to sit with each of them and tell them how wrong they are about the Bible and what they needed to do. They weren’t happy that my interest was with Redemption. That’s when I noticed something about Fern… she only loved you when you agreed with her. If you had a difference of opinion, she was mean and nasty about it. Though I left the group, we remained Facebook friends for a while. She later blocked me after I confronted her about how nasty she is to anyone who didn’t agree with her. She claimed that GOD gave them permission to judge others. Last year she contacted me to inform me supermom had died. We remained in contact until yesterday.

BITTER CHRISTIANS!

When you experience bitterness coming from Christians, it’s like a nasty pill to swallow. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth that nothing but JESUS can remove. It’s something that one can only understand by experience. I don’t wish it on anyone because its not easy get rid of the poison. Bitter Christians are like Fern, loving you when you agree with them and hating you when you don’t. They are always right and they believe GOD gives them permission to judge others. Even knowing this, my time in that group didn’t prepare me for what I saw on Facebook the past few days, all the anger and hatred and racism in their posts. I removed their post because it was painful to see and I was close to blowing a fuse. I saw what it’s like to be bitter and nasty while claiming to love JESUS and I wanted none of that. My pastor has been teaching us about the “gateway to our heart” and I was afraid of being pulled back down that road. I  knew it was only a matter of time before it ended and thank GOD yesterday was it.

YESTERDAY!

Yesterday morning I woke up to the news of five white police officers dying by the hands of a person that should be call a terrorist. To make matters worse, these so-called Christians posted a nasty comment about one of the black men that had been killed by two officers the previous day. They were confronted by another lady and soon by me. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. These are so-called Christians who claim to love JESUS yet they are bitter like gall and nastier than the devil himself. After a heated debate I was not sad to see them go.  We as Christians are called to be the Light in this world, to represent JESUS. How these people can believe the solution is adding fuel to the fire of anger and hate I don’t know. The violence that happened should never have happened and should never be repeated! That’s what we, the true Body of Christ should be saying. We should be calling for peace and unity, not anger and division.

I AM SORRY!

Whatever color we are on the outside, doesn’t change the color of our blood. When that hits the pavement, nothing can remove it. We spend so much time focusing on our differences instead of our commonalities. Sorrow over spilled blood and pain is what should bring us together while love and forgiveness join us.  Seven innocent people are dead! That should not have happened and I am sorry for that. I pray for the peace of JESUS to cover this world, this situation and these families. GOD HEAL OUR LAND!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SCARED?

Once when I was a child, I fell asleep on the floor in my grandmother’s room and when I awoke, I found myself under her bed in darkness. What made my ordeal worse was I did not know where I was because I was still sleepy. My eyes were not yet to adjusted to the darkness, so therefore my mind was lying to me. I thought that I was in a rectangle box, with no lights. My heart was on a treadmill and I swore death was coming. I  remember calming down, and that was when I realized where I was. I then crawled out, promising myself that would never happen again. Well that promise wasn’t kept because it did happen again.  I wish that was the only scary story I have but it isn’t. As long as I have life I’ll have many more to tell.

During a conversation with my mentor this week, I was encouraged to talk to Jesus as a friend. During that conversation with Him some truth came to me. I  was scared out of my mind. Scared of things that have not even touched me. I have prepared myself and lost sleep worrying about things that only happen in my head. Recently a friend of mind stayed up all night and couldn’t sleep, all because she believed she saw a ghost. Nothing I said to her made her less scared. I  eventually gave up and I guess she finally fell asleep. I too have stayed up in the past because of things in my head. Oh how I hated scary movies, but today one of my favorite television shows is a scary one. Jesus showed me if I learn to focus on Him and not on my situation then fear won’t be my friend.

AM DONE BEING SCARED!

I  am done being scared of yesterday’s news, always worrying about what is coming and what’s next. I am tired of giving my ear to the wrong tunes. Tired of letting fear run and dominate my life. All the time I have been worrying about this and that nothing has touched me! GOD has not allowed the enemy to lay one finger on me. Yes! The enemy hasn’t shut up and he’s not going to until the return of our LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST but he hasn’t been allowed to lay a finger on me. I had to humble myself to that realization because I have been blinded. I was so distracted and unfocused that I hadn’t noticed. I didn’t see the truth until I followed the advice of my mentor and talked to my King as a friend.

PIECE OF ADVICE!

No one wants to be afraid nor admit they are, but if you don’t then you’ll never be free from it. I know it’s not easy living in this world but that doesn’t mean you have to be scared out of your mind. Give your fear to GOD and let Him give you peace. Today my pastor preached on guarding your heart. In his sermon it showed us that all our issues occur because we allow something to get in us. We give our ears and eyes to things and people that we shouldn’t and that’s the problem. Trust GOD and stop allowing the wrong things or people to have your heart.

CAN I BE HONEST? I AM SCARED!

Yes! That’s true, I am scared. I am scared I might have broken my fast today because my stomach was killing me. Maybe I haven’t. I am scared to get old lol, my birthday is in two months. I am scared of tomorrow because I am broke. I am scared of dying without ever truly living. Crazy huh? I am scared of my thoughts, they’re not always pretty. I am scared that I’ll fail. My dream of going to college is finally close but I am scared I will fail because of a silly error. I know my face doesn’t look the part… I guess over time I learned to cover up. Right now I cant sleep, not because I’m not tired, but because I am scared.

I AM SCARED TO TRUST HIM!

He said that He is my cover, my protector and provider and all I need to do is trust Him. I honestly don’t know how. What is trust and how does it look? I have not a clue. As I read through the Word, I come across so many who have learned to trust Him, yet that’s the most difficult thing for me. It’s not that I  don’t want to or haven’t tried, it’s just I don’t know how. All my life I have to learned to be strong, press forward when no one is cheering, stand and fight my battles with no one in my corner. So how can I trust Him now? I know it’s the right thing to do but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’ll be if I trust him, neither do I know if He wont drop me on purpose? Yes I know GOD won’t do that but tell that to my bleeding heart and see if it agrees with you.

I BLAME HIM!

Yesterday I fell on the hard cement and it hurt like hell. I screamed but no sound came through my mouth. I waited for a friendly hand but none came to assist. Slowly I picked myself up and continued walking. “Never again”, I said to myself, “I am the only one I can truly trust.” The sound of their voices keeps me awake and their touch makes me sick to my stomach. I cry for His help and He is no where. “Screw this, I’ll show You!” It’s Your fault this happened. What type of father are you anyway? Father to all, huh?  Or do You mean Father to those who have a perfect earthly father?”  What about the rest of us? Yes I blame Him. Where are You when I need you, why are You silent when I need You to speak? What type of Father are you?

HEAL ME!

I know the truth. I know it’s not Your fault but blaming You is easier because I know You can fix it. I am angry because I don’t understand, I am scared because I am frustrated and I don’t want to get hurt again. My chest hurts because I am not well. I lie so much that I just don’t have to guts to do it anymore. I am really sick and tired of lying. I want to know and feel healing. Can I? I believe I can. I need You as a father but I don’t know how to trust You as one. Can you teach me because I really don’t want to die and never know You as one. Yes can you do something even though I am scared? Am I allowed to be honest because if I am, then the truth is I am scared.

I haven’t gone mad!

I haven’t gone mad! I really haven’t gone mad and it has nothing to do with me. There is a young lady I see every time I walk in town. When I dont see her I worry. I honestly admire her and she is my motivation. Her story is a sad one. She was a young woman who worked hard to provide for her children but that effort wasnt good enough. In the end she lost her children and her will to live. Every time I see her she is always on the go, like Buddy the rabbit, unfortunately going nowhere. At a recent eye appointment, I heard someone crying. To my surprise it was her. It broke my heart because at that moment I truly realized why she motivates me and why I admire her. She is a young woman who is usually clean, on a few occasions she isnt. One day while on my way to school I saw her at the family court telling someone, ” I do bathe my skin.” What angers me is the system, taking her children but leaving her to wander the streets like she is nothing. I know that if it weren’t for the grace of God, that could be me.

I REMEMBER!

There was a time when I stood in front of GOD, wanted to rip my heart out of my chest and shove it in his face and scream, ” Look! Look! Cant you see? Look at me, cant You feel my pain?” The opening in my heart was painfful and empty. It hurt so much that I felt like I was about to die. I just didnt understand the pain and the emptiness. I knew the hole in my chest could be filled but by what? I remember asking GOD but feeling nothing. Man, I said the sinner’s prayer so much that I just laughed it back into GOD’s face. “HA!HA!, You have killed me before I ever had a chance to live! You are unfair and You are selfish!”, I said to Him. I remember I wanted to pull my hair out of my head. I was in this square room surrounded by darkness and in the distance I saw a little light. There was a door but each time I looked, the darkness grew while the light got farther away. It hurt so much and I was scared out of my mind. I was afraid to die and I hardly slept at night. I remember staying awake long into the night thinking, “Tonight is the night I will die.” The kid who judged people who killed themselves attempted to end her life at seventeen, not once but twice. Yes, I was that messed up. I wanted to be free and I knew only GOD could free me but I believed He was so damned selfish and had already sentenced me to death and hell anyway. Yet I longed for him and I wanted the emptiness to be filled.

HOW IT HAPPENED!

I knew how I wanted Him to show up, with lightning and thunder so powerful it would split the earth in two. JESUS, appearing in white or the way he did for Paul.. but the way He did it was so simple that it still brings me to awe each time I remember it. One night I was ready to go to bed and I turned the television to Cartoon Network . My mother got very angry and changed it to TBN. Pastor John Hagee was my favorite pastor but I was angry that she turned off my cartoons. But before I fell asleep I remember him saying, “So often we focus on the ungodly things of the world but not the Godly things”. I don’t know when I fell asleep but when I woke up Pastor Hagee was off and I was afraid. A still voice asked me a simple question, “Where would you have gone if you had died? You went to bed being too angry to hear my word. Where would you have gone?” I honestly answered, ” hell.”

IT WASN’T MY FIRST TIME!

It wasnt my first time I went to bed not praying but it was the first time I was afraid and the first time I was asked that question. I immediately went on Facebook and typed the same question I heard John Hagee ask and once more I was out like lightning. When I woke up, eleven people had commented but one stood out. She said, “When this happens I always pick up my Bible and read.” I awakened that day and knew I wasnt the same.  A few days later, while talking to Him everything I had planned to say was cut short and I started to say these words over and over again, “I dont want to die. I have no where to go.” Then I felt a still presence over me and the sweetest voice I have ever heard saying, “Get up dry your tears and go in faith”.

I HAVEN’T GONE MAD!

Not because I am perfect, without fault, sin or shame but because of that still kind voice I have life. I know many dont believe in Him and many have been hurt by people but no one has ever been hurt by Him. I know many think I am foolish to believe in GOD, a God that I cant see. Many dont believe He has a Son, but everyone can relate to darkness. For those who say they cant,  you’re lying to yourselves. I am not in some alley with needles in my arm, nor am I walking the street selling my body. I  am not in some mental instutition neither am I empty because of that still kind voice.