She woke up this morning too lazy to get out of bed. She wasn’t tired, just not in any hurry to get out of bed. She lay there looking at the ceiling above her for a long while. Her mind kept wandering all about the place… she tried to find the strength to get out of bed but her mind kept her there. She kept thinking, “Why am I alone; why am I unhappy with my body; why cant I find someone to love me for me; why did my father have to die so soon; why do I let people use me; why is my mother so cruel to me; why, why, why?” She wanted to cry but tears wouldn’t come so she just rolled over on her right side and thought some more.
She thought about her father and how sad his last time on earth was for him, in and out of the hospital and rehab. All she saw was a father who was lost and unhappy. He didn’t want to be a burden on his family, yet ended up being a burden. She was angry at him for dying because he was the only one who ever made her feel special. Now she felt as if he robbed her of more time with him. She wondered why he left her with her mother. She even thought her mother should have died instead of him! “Who am I to think such wicked things about my mother?” she would then ask herself. “Who am I to ever wish anyone’s life to be gone, even though that person is cruel to me?”
As she rolled on her back again she thought of all the times her mother called her fat, a bitch and all the times she made her feel ugly… unloved and ugly. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wondered what had she ever done for her own mother to hate her like that? “Why cant she love me just as I am? Why do I have to be a size 2 two to have her love?” The thoughts kept the tears coming down more and more; she couldn’t get them to stop falling. “She is the reason why I hate the mirror so much!”
She lay there with tears still streaming down her cheeks, realizing why she hated seeing herself in the mirror. “It’s because of her! It’s because of the constant put-downs and name calling, that’s why I hate the mirror so much. It’s because of her I only see a fat, ugly girl. That’s why I can’t love myself, its because of her I feel so alone.” As the tears kept coming, she realized she had to get out of bed and get ready for the day.
It was harder than she expected it to be. Suddenly she found herself too weak to even set a foot on the floor and get moving. She wished her life was different… she wished that someone could make her feel loved and help her love herself. It didn’t seem like it would ever happen though! As she walked to the bathroom she held her head down so she wouldn’t she the reflection of herself in it. “I’ll just go in and out and hopefully I won’t see that fat, ugly, nasty looking girl.”
She wandered to the kitchen and tried to eat something for the day but caught a look at herself in the mirror there and dropped the spoon. “Wait a minute!”, she thought. “The more I eat, the uglier, fatter and nastier I will look! I’m not eating today and I’ll start losing the weight I cant seem to get rid of! I’ll show my mother I can do it, just let her wait and see! I’ll be the size 2 daughter she wants me to be and every man will want me! But most of all I will want me!”, was what she thought as she let the spoon fall to the table.
As she walked out the door of her mother’s house she smiled to herself about her decision and started down the road towards school. The sun was up high in the sky, the breeze was perfect as she felt it on her skin. “What a beautiful day…”, she thought. “It’s just perfect and I’m going to enjoy every bit of it! I’m going to be that size my mother wants of me and she will finally love me.”, was all she kept in her mind.