Am Ugly Part 3

As she watched Caniesh and Kelly walk down to their next class, she smiled thinking how well she succeeded in letting Caniesh know she was no push over. “Now they know that no one uses me.”, she thought.

The rest of the school day went by slowly. It seemed longer than she expected and there still was an hour to go before it ended. Caniesh and Kelly had made it hard. Every chance they got they would say hurtful things that made her wonder if she did the right thing? “Oh well…” she thought, “if she was my friend she wouldn’t be doing this to me.”

Three o’clock finally came. As she walked out the door of the school, there stood Caniesh and Kelly. “You bitch!” was how she was greeted by both girls. As she tried to walk by them and go home Caniesh said, “You made me look like a fool today and I’m gonna ruin you!” Sarah just went by her and walked home. As she walked off the school grounds and headed home, tears came running down her cheeks. She tried to smile but her heart was broken and no smile would come.

By the time she made it home her mother was there. As always she greeted her with “Hi, my chubby baby.” “Why don’t you shut up, you bitch?” Sarah thought. Instead she smiled and said hello.  “Are you hungry?” was her mother’s next question. “No thank you.”  was her reply as she made her way to her bedroom.

All Sarah thought about was what happened in school. A part of her was happy about what she did but a bigger part was sad that she didn’t have a friend anymore. She thought about the good times she spent with Caniesh, and all the fun places they went to, all the laughs and good times… but she also thought about today and realized if her friend loved her she would not have used her like she did.

She decided to forget all the bad things for the day and go talk with her other friends on her computer. At first they all seemed boring and she thought about leaving, but instead she went to another site and met someone fun.

“Hi Sarah” was what the message said. “Its been a long time.” was his next message. “It sure has.”  As she continued talking with him, her smile started to return. She thought about how sexy he looked and that he always had a way of making her feel good about herself. Now here he was when she needed a friend the most! As she told him about her day and life over the past months, she realized she still loved him and that he had grown up. They talked for hours before she finally signed off, with a smile in her heart and on her face. She wondered if there was really a chance for both of them?

I’m Ugly Part 2

As she walked down the road toward her school she heard her name, “Sarah, wait up!” She turned around and running toward her was her best friend, Caniesh. “What’s up girl?”, her friend asked. “Oh, nothing much…”, was her reply. “You seem happy today.”, said Caniesh. “Oh, I’m on a mission today!”, reply Sarah. “What mission could that be?”, Caniesh asked. “I’m going to be a size 2!”, Sarah said. “A size 2?”, Caniesh asked, laughing! “What’s so damn funny?” demanded Sarah. “Nothing, it’s just the way you said it!”, came her friend’s reply. “What’s so funny about that?”?, Sarah again asked. “Forget it!”, Caniesh said as they continued down the road to school.

“Did you do your homework, girl?”, asked Caniesh. “Of course I did.”, said Sarah. “Can I copy yours, ’cause I didn’t get a chance to do mine?” Sarah told her friend, “Of course you can.” As they entered the school grounds, they both turned to the sound of their names. “Hi,Sarah! Hi, Caniesh, how are you all doing?” “We’re good, Kelly.”, they both replied. “Oh Caniesh, I have something to show you girl!” “Really, what is it?”, Caniesh asked. “Come, let me show you!”, and off the two girls went.

“What about me?” thought Sarah as she stood watching both girls running ahead of her. “Oh, I’m good enough to get my home work copied from but am not good enough to see what Kelly has? Oh well, who cares!”

It was 8:00 am when the bell rang. Sarah hadn’t seen the two girls since 20 minutes before school started. They were both smiling and laughing loudly, sitting side by side and acting as if she didn’t exist. “Hey guys, where you been?” No one answered as the teacher entered the class. “I hope everyone did my homework assignment last night.”, stated the teacher. “Of course!”, answered the students. “Did you finish my home work Sarah?” asked Caniesh, “Yes, I did.”, replied Sarah. “Thanks girl, you’re the best! That’s why I love you so much”. Sarah smiled and passed their work up to the front of the class, as Caniesh continued talking to Kelly.

“Caniesh, I would like to see you at the end of the class.”, said the teacher. “Ok Mrs. Williams.” As everyone left the class, Kelly called to Caniesh, “I’ll wait for you outside.” “What you need to see me for, Mrs. Williams?” You had two days to do your homework. Why didn’t you do it?”, asked the teacher. “I did, Mrs. Williams, you have it in your hands.” “Oh this?”, asked Mrs. Williams as she showed her the blank pages. As Caniesh stood there looking at the empty pages in her book, she realized Sarah didn’t do her homework for her like she promised. Listening to her teacher go on and on about what she had done, rage filled Caniesh’s thoughts. “That bitch, Sarah, she lied to me! I’m going to kill her!”

Caniesh went looking for Sarah. “What did Mrs. Williams want you for?”, asked Kelly as she stepped out of the classroom. Caniesh was so angry she didn’t even notice Kelly still waiting there. “What’s wrong, Caniesh? Where are you going?”, asked Kelly. Caniesh saw Sarah at the locker and shouted,”You dumb bitch! How could you do that to me? I thought you were my friend!” As Sarah turned to face Caniesh with a smile, she said, “I am your friend, but you weren’t mine.” “I hate you Sarah and I promise I will ruin you if it’s the last thing I do!”, stated Caniesh as she pushed past Sarah to the door.

I’M Ugly Part 1

She woke up this morning too lazy to get out of bed. She wasn’t tired, just not in any hurry to get out of bed. She lay there looking at the ceiling above her for a long while. Her mind kept wandering all about the place… she tried to find the strength to get out of bed but her mind kept her there. She kept thinking, “Why am I alone; why am I unhappy with my body; why cant I find someone to love me for me; why did my father have to die so soon; why do I let people use me; why is my mother so cruel to me; why, why, why?” She wanted to cry but tears wouldn’t come so she just rolled over on her right side and thought some more.

She thought about her father and how sad his last time on earth was for him, in and out of the hospital and rehab. All she saw was a father who was lost and unhappy. He didn’t want to be a burden on his family, yet ended up being a burden. She was angry at him for dying because he was the only one who ever made her feel special. Now she felt as if he robbed her of more time with him. She wondered why he left her with her mother. She even thought her mother should have died instead of him! “Who am I to think such wicked things about my mother?” she would then ask herself. “Who am I to ever wish anyone’s life to be gone, even though that person is cruel to me?”

As she rolled on her back again she thought of all the times her mother called her fat, a bitch and all the times she made her feel ugly… unloved and ugly. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wondered what had she ever done for her own mother to hate her like that? “Why cant she love me just as I am? Why do I have to be a size 2 two to have her love?” The thoughts kept the tears coming down more and more; she couldn’t get them to stop falling. “She is the reason why I hate the mirror so much!”

She lay there with tears still streaming down her cheeks, realizing why she hated seeing herself in the mirror. “It’s because of her! It’s because of the constant put-downs and name calling, that’s why I hate the mirror so much. It’s because of her I only see a fat, ugly girl. That’s why I can’t love myself, its because of her I feel so alone.” As the tears kept coming, she realized she had to get out of bed and get ready for the day.

It was harder than she expected it to be. Suddenly she found herself too weak to even set a foot on the floor and get moving. She wished her life was different… she wished that someone could make her feel loved and help her love herself. It didn’t seem like it would ever happen though! As she walked to the bathroom she held her head down so she wouldn’t she the reflection of herself in it. “I’ll just go in and out and hopefully I won’t see that fat, ugly, nasty looking girl.”

She wandered to the kitchen and tried to eat something for the day but caught a look at herself in the mirror there and dropped the spoon. “Wait a minute!”, she thought. “The more I eat, the uglier, fatter and nastier I will look! I’m not eating today and I’ll start losing the weight I cant seem to get rid of! I’ll show my mother I can do it, just let her wait and see! I’ll be the size 2 daughter she wants me to be and every man will want me! But most of all I will want me!”, was what she thought as she let the spoon fall to the table.

As she walked out the door of her mother’s house she smiled to herself about her decision and started down the road towards school. The sun was up high in the sky, the breeze was perfect as she felt it on her skin. “What a beautiful day…”, she thought. “It’s just perfect and I’m going to enjoy every bit of it! I’m going to be that size my mother wants of me and she will finally love me.”, was all she kept in her mind.