Am I bold or a fool? That’s a question I’ll probably never get answered but could hear many opinions on the subject. I wonder if I’m the only one who ever admits this out loud? Again, I expect lots of opinions but not the answer I seek. Does it make me less Christian just because I admit this, or does it make me human? At this point I have many questions but few answers and am not even sure I have hope of ever receiving the answer. But I still need to admit that I just don’t like GOD sometimes! “Why?” you may ask? I guess that question might come from the lips of the righteous religious ones but those who understand me and are honest won’t ask it. I know some may think, “How dare you say such a thing? GOD is the only one who has that right, but He already knows this whether I speak it out loud or not.
It’s funny that I don’t like GOD at times, and though I have many reasons why I don’t, it’s still funny to me. I wonder if GOD finds me funny, or if He finds me stupid? I have a feeling even though He may not find me funny, He does understand me. That’s what I love about Him, He understands and never will stop loving me. Unfortunately, I don’t really understand Him but am learning to accept His method of doing things. Maybe I’m not called to understand but just trust and obey His word. Well, we’re working on that.
Lately I find myself getting tired of fighting the same battles. The funny thing is, the fight has increased. Sometimes I want to scream with everything in me, but I hold back because I only want GOD to hear my scream. Sometimes I shout and sing until I have no voice. At times I cry like a child, other times I express my anger. Am I crazy, does that make me bipolar or just a human? Does it even matter? Who knows!
I’d like to say I’m human, someone who has a big heart but is in a big fight… someone who doesn’t understand the purpose of the fights but still holds on to what I believe. Someone who never gives up, even though life gives me reason to; someone who gets up each day believing that its my day but is often disappointed at the end of it. Am I crazy to admit I don’t like GOD at times? Will I be judged by this? I don’t know but I’ve learned I’m only frustrated in the places that aren’t full yet. When will those empty places be filled?
I’m not sure and honestly sometimes think I don’t care! I do found myself judging others and as a result am judged by them. I find myself questioning the will of GOD, even doubting Him at times, yet I’m still here believing. Do I care about the opinion of others? (Only the ones who are important to me.) Do I care that others may think I’m crazy? (Heck no.). All I know is me. At times I don’t understand me, and don’t like the way I deal with certain things. I don’t like when I sin, don’t like it when I hurt others, and I definitely do not like knowing that I don’t like GOD at times! LORD help me because I might have just taken this honesty thing too far (ha ha).