Yes! That’s true, I am scared. I am scared I might have broken my fast today because my stomach was killing me. Maybe I haven’t. I am scared to get old lol, my birthday is in two months. I am scared of tomorrow because I am broke. I am scared of dying without ever truly living. Crazy huh? I am scared of my thoughts, they’re not always pretty. I am scared that I’ll fail. My dream of going to college is finally close but I am scared I will fail because of a silly error. I know my face doesn’t look the part… I guess over time I learned to cover up. Right now I cant sleep, not because I’m not tired, but because I am scared.
I AM SCARED TO TRUST HIM!
He said that He is my cover, my protector and provider and all I need to do is trust Him. I honestly don’t know how. What is trust and how does it look? I have not a clue. As I read through the Word, I come across so many who have learned to trust Him, yet that’s the most difficult thing for me. It’s not that I don’t want to or haven’t tried, it’s just I don’t know how. All my life I have to learned to be strong, press forward when no one is cheering, stand and fight my battles with no one in my corner. So how can I trust Him now? I know it’s the right thing to do but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’ll be if I trust him, neither do I know if He wont drop me on purpose? Yes I know GOD won’t do that but tell that to my bleeding heart and see if it agrees with you.
I BLAME HIM!
Yesterday I fell on the hard cement and it hurt like hell. I screamed but no sound came through my mouth. I waited for a friendly hand but none came to assist. Slowly I picked myself up and continued walking. “Never again”, I said to myself, “I am the only one I can truly trust.” The sound of their voices keeps me awake and their touch makes me sick to my stomach. I cry for His help and He is no where. “Screw this, I’ll show You!” It’s Your fault this happened. What type of father are you anyway? Father to all, huh? Or do You mean Father to those who have a perfect earthly father?” What about the rest of us? Yes I blame Him. Where are You when I need you, why are You silent when I need You to speak? What type of Father are you?
I know the truth. I know it’s not Your fault but blaming You is easier because I know You can fix it. I am angry because I don’t understand, I am scared because I am frustrated and I don’t want to get hurt again. My chest hurts because I am not well. I lie so much that I just don’t have to guts to do it anymore. I am really sick and tired of lying. I want to know and feel healing. Can I? I believe I can. I need You as a father but I don’t know how to trust You as one. Can you teach me because I really don’t want to die and never know You as one. Yes can you do something even though I am scared? Am I allowed to be honest because if I am, then the truth is I am scared.