I haven’t gone mad! I really haven’t gone mad and it has nothing to do with me. There is a young lady I see every time I walk in town. When I dont see her I worry. I honestly admire her and she is my motivation. Her story is a sad one. She was a young woman who worked hard to provide for her children but that effort wasnt good enough. In the end she lost her children and her will to live. Every time I see her she is always on the go, like Buddy the rabbit, unfortunately going nowhere. At a recent eye appointment, I heard someone crying. To my surprise it was her. It broke my heart because at that moment I truly realized why she motivates me and why I admire her. She is a young woman who is usually clean, on a few occasions she isnt. One day while on my way to school I saw her at the family court telling someone, ” I do bathe my skin.” What angers me is the system, taking her children but leaving her to wander the streets like she is nothing. I know that if it weren’t for the grace of God, that could be me.
There was a time when I stood in front of GOD, wanted to rip my heart out of my chest and shove it in his face and scream, ” Look! Look! Cant you see? Look at me, cant You feel my pain?” The opening in my heart was painfful and empty. It hurt so much that I felt like I was about to die. I just didnt understand the pain and the emptiness. I knew the hole in my chest could be filled but by what? I remember asking GOD but feeling nothing. Man, I said the sinner’s prayer so much that I just laughed it back into GOD’s face. “HA!HA!, You have killed me before I ever had a chance to live! You are unfair and You are selfish!”, I said to Him. I remember I wanted to pull my hair out of my head. I was in this square room surrounded by darkness and in the distance I saw a little light. There was a door but each time I looked, the darkness grew while the light got farther away. It hurt so much and I was scared out of my mind. I was afraid to die and I hardly slept at night. I remember staying awake long into the night thinking, “Tonight is the night I will die.” The kid who judged people who killed themselves attempted to end her life at seventeen, not once but twice. Yes, I was that messed up. I wanted to be free and I knew only GOD could free me but I believed He was so damned selfish and had already sentenced me to death and hell anyway. Yet I longed for him and I wanted the emptiness to be filled.
HOW IT HAPPENED!
I knew how I wanted Him to show up, with lightning and thunder so powerful it would split the earth in two. JESUS, appearing in white or the way he did for Paul.. but the way He did it was so simple that it still brings me to awe each time I remember it. One night I was ready to go to bed and I turned the television to Cartoon Network . My mother got very angry and changed it to TBN. Pastor John Hagee was my favorite pastor but I was angry that she turned off my cartoons. But before I fell asleep I remember him saying, “So often we focus on the ungodly things of the world but not the Godly things”. I don’t know when I fell asleep but when I woke up Pastor Hagee was off and I was afraid. A still voice asked me a simple question, “Where would you have gone if you had died? You went to bed being too angry to hear my word. Where would you have gone?” I honestly answered, ” hell.”
IT WASN’T MY FIRST TIME!
It wasnt my first time I went to bed not praying but it was the first time I was afraid and the first time I was asked that question. I immediately went on Facebook and typed the same question I heard John Hagee ask and once more I was out like lightning. When I woke up, eleven people had commented but one stood out. She said, “When this happens I always pick up my Bible and read.” I awakened that day and knew I wasnt the same. A few days later, while talking to Him everything I had planned to say was cut short and I started to say these words over and over again, “I dont want to die. I have no where to go.” Then I felt a still presence over me and the sweetest voice I have ever heard saying, “Get up dry your tears and go in faith”.
I HAVEN’T GONE MAD!
Not because I am perfect, without fault, sin or shame but because of that still kind voice I have life. I know many dont believe in Him and many have been hurt by people but no one has ever been hurt by Him. I know many think I am foolish to believe in GOD, a God that I cant see. Many dont believe He has a Son, but everyone can relate to darkness. For those who say they cant, you’re lying to yourselves. I am not in some alley with needles in my arm, nor am I walking the street selling my body. I am not in some mental instutition neither am I empty because of that still kind voice.