Am Ugly Part 3

As she watched Caniesh and Kelly walk down to their next class, she smiled thinking how well she succeeded in letting Caniesh know she was no push over. “Now they know that no one uses me.”, she thought.

The rest of the school day went by slowly. It seemed longer than she expected and there still was an hour to go before it ended. Caniesh and Kelly had made it hard. Every chance they got they would say hurtful things that made her wonder if she did the right thing? “Oh well…” she thought, “if she was my friend she wouldn’t be doing this to me.”

Three o’clock finally came. As she walked out the door of the school, there stood Caniesh and Kelly. “You bitch!” was how she was greeted by both girls. As she tried to walk by them and go home Caniesh said, “You made me look like a fool today and I’m gonna ruin you!” Sarah just went by her and walked home. As she walked off the school grounds and headed home, tears came running down her cheeks. She tried to smile but her heart was broken and no smile would come.

By the time she made it home her mother was there. As always she greeted her with “Hi, my chubby baby.” “Why don’t you shut up, you bitch?” Sarah thought. Instead she smiled and said hello.  “Are you hungry?” was her mother’s next question. “No thank you.”  was her reply as she made her way to her bedroom.

All Sarah thought about was what happened in school. A part of her was happy about what she did but a bigger part was sad that she didn’t have a friend anymore. She thought about the good times she spent with Caniesh, and all the fun places they went to, all the laughs and good times… but she also thought about today and realized if her friend loved her she would not have used her like she did.

She decided to forget all the bad things for the day and go talk with her other friends on her computer. At first they all seemed boring and she thought about leaving, but instead she went to another site and met someone fun.

“Hi Sarah” was what the message said. “Its been a long time.” was his next message. “It sure has.”  As she continued talking with him, her smile started to return. She thought about how sexy he looked and that he always had a way of making her feel good about herself. Now here he was when she needed a friend the most! As she told him about her day and life over the past months, she realized she still loved him and that he had grown up. They talked for hours before she finally signed off, with a smile in her heart and on her face. She wondered if there was really a chance for both of them?

I’m Ugly Part 2

As she walked down the road toward her school she heard her name, “Sarah, wait up!” She turned around and running toward her was her best friend, Caniesh. “What’s up girl?”, her friend asked. “Oh, nothing much…”, was her reply. “You seem happy today.”, said Caniesh. “Oh, I’m on a mission today!”, reply Sarah. “What mission could that be?”, Caniesh asked. “I’m going to be a size 2!”, Sarah said. “A size 2?”, Caniesh asked, laughing! “What’s so damn funny?” demanded Sarah. “Nothing, it’s just the way you said it!”, came her friend’s reply. “What’s so funny about that?”?, Sarah again asked. “Forget it!”, Caniesh said as they continued down the road to school.

“Did you do your homework, girl?”, asked Caniesh. “Of course I did.”, said Sarah. “Can I copy yours, ’cause I didn’t get a chance to do mine?” Sarah told her friend, “Of course you can.” As they entered the school grounds, they both turned to the sound of their names. “Hi,Sarah! Hi, Caniesh, how are you all doing?” “We’re good, Kelly.”, they both replied. “Oh Caniesh, I have something to show you girl!” “Really, what is it?”, Caniesh asked. “Come, let me show you!”, and off the two girls went.

“What about me?” thought Sarah as she stood watching both girls running ahead of her. “Oh, I’m good enough to get my home work copied from but am not good enough to see what Kelly has? Oh well, who cares!”

It was 8:00 am when the bell rang. Sarah hadn’t seen the two girls since 20 minutes before school started. They were both smiling and laughing loudly, sitting side by side and acting as if she didn’t exist. “Hey guys, where you been?” No one answered as the teacher entered the class. “I hope everyone did my homework assignment last night.”, stated the teacher. “Of course!”, answered the students. “Did you finish my home work Sarah?” asked Caniesh, “Yes, I did.”, replied Sarah. “Thanks girl, you’re the best! That’s why I love you so much”. Sarah smiled and passed their work up to the front of the class, as Caniesh continued talking to Kelly.

“Caniesh, I would like to see you at the end of the class.”, said the teacher. “Ok Mrs. Williams.” As everyone left the class, Kelly called to Caniesh, “I’ll wait for you outside.” “What you need to see me for, Mrs. Williams?” You had two days to do your homework. Why didn’t you do it?”, asked the teacher. “I did, Mrs. Williams, you have it in your hands.” “Oh this?”, asked Mrs. Williams as she showed her the blank pages. As Caniesh stood there looking at the empty pages in her book, she realized Sarah didn’t do her homework for her like she promised. Listening to her teacher go on and on about what she had done, rage filled Caniesh’s thoughts. “That bitch, Sarah, she lied to me! I’m going to kill her!”

Caniesh went looking for Sarah. “What did Mrs. Williams want you for?”, asked Kelly as she stepped out of the classroom. Caniesh was so angry she didn’t even notice Kelly still waiting there. “What’s wrong, Caniesh? Where are you going?”, asked Kelly. Caniesh saw Sarah at the locker and shouted,”You dumb bitch! How could you do that to me? I thought you were my friend!” As Sarah turned to face Caniesh with a smile, she said, “I am your friend, but you weren’t mine.” “I hate you Sarah and I promise I will ruin you if it’s the last thing I do!”, stated Caniesh as she pushed past Sarah to the door.

I’M Ugly Part 1

She woke up this morning too lazy to get out of bed. She wasn’t tired, just not in any hurry to get out of bed. She lay there looking at the ceiling above her for a long while. Her mind kept wandering all about the place… she tried to find the strength to get out of bed but her mind kept her there. She kept thinking, “Why am I alone; why am I unhappy with my body; why cant I find someone to love me for me; why did my father have to die so soon; why do I let people use me; why is my mother so cruel to me; why, why, why?” She wanted to cry but tears wouldn’t come so she just rolled over on her right side and thought some more.

She thought about her father and how sad his last time on earth was for him, in and out of the hospital and rehab. All she saw was a father who was lost and unhappy. He didn’t want to be a burden on his family, yet ended up being a burden. She was angry at him for dying because he was the only one who ever made her feel special. Now she felt as if he robbed her of more time with him. She wondered why he left her with her mother. She even thought her mother should have died instead of him! “Who am I to think such wicked things about my mother?” she would then ask herself. “Who am I to ever wish anyone’s life to be gone, even though that person is cruel to me?”

As she rolled on her back again she thought of all the times her mother called her fat, a bitch and all the times she made her feel ugly… unloved and ugly. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wondered what had she ever done for her own mother to hate her like that? “Why cant she love me just as I am? Why do I have to be a size 2 two to have her love?” The thoughts kept the tears coming down more and more; she couldn’t get them to stop falling. “She is the reason why I hate the mirror so much!”

She lay there with tears still streaming down her cheeks, realizing why she hated seeing herself in the mirror. “It’s because of her! It’s because of the constant put-downs and name calling, that’s why I hate the mirror so much. It’s because of her I only see a fat, ugly girl. That’s why I can’t love myself, its because of her I feel so alone.” As the tears kept coming, she realized she had to get out of bed and get ready for the day.

It was harder than she expected it to be. Suddenly she found herself too weak to even set a foot on the floor and get moving. She wished her life was different… she wished that someone could make her feel loved and help her love herself. It didn’t seem like it would ever happen though! As she walked to the bathroom she held her head down so she wouldn’t she the reflection of herself in it. “I’ll just go in and out and hopefully I won’t see that fat, ugly, nasty looking girl.”

She wandered to the kitchen and tried to eat something for the day but caught a look at herself in the mirror there and dropped the spoon. “Wait a minute!”, she thought. “The more I eat, the uglier, fatter and nastier I will look! I’m not eating today and I’ll start losing the weight I cant seem to get rid of! I’ll show my mother I can do it, just let her wait and see! I’ll be the size 2 daughter she wants me to be and every man will want me! But most of all I will want me!”, was what she thought as she let the spoon fall to the table.

As she walked out the door of her mother’s house she smiled to herself about her decision and started down the road towards school. The sun was up high in the sky, the breeze was perfect as she felt it on her skin. “What a beautiful day…”, she thought. “It’s just perfect and I’m going to enjoy every bit of it! I’m going to be that size my mother wants of me and she will finally love me.”, was all she kept in her mind.

THE VOICE OF A RAPIST part 2

“I wish I could be a bird.”, he thought while distancing himself from Mrs Lewis’ class again. He knew if he got caught yet again, not only would he be asked to stand up for the remainder of the class with the other children laughing at him, but Mrs Lewis would either get in his business or call his dad. He didn’t want either of those to happen but he just could not focus or pay any attention to her class. He was a ten year old and all the world’s problems were his. Staring at the bird outside his classroom window had taken his mind right back to the place he didn’t want to be. He tried hard not to go there but it was useless. It was part of his life and there was nothing he could do about it.

As he slowly ate the last food his mother had cooked for the family, he said to himself, “I am gonna miss her.” His mother’s death was not sudden but way overdue. His mom had been sick for as long as he could remember but it didn’t stop her from giving her family the best she could offer. He couldn’t help smiling through his tears. As he finished up the last of his mom’s meal, he said, “Oh well, at least she’s out of pain and better off where she is now.” As he walked past his parents’ room to take the plate to the kitchen, his dad was still sleeping on the floor with the bottle in his hand. “Maybe I might take it from him when I pass back” said James. “Nah I wont, let him sleep with it.”, were his final words as he walked back by his father.

He didn’t care much about his father so it didn’t bother him if he drank himself to sleep every night. As he tidied up the kitchen, he couldn’t help blaming his father for his mother’s death. He wished his dad had died instead of his mom. He knew it was wrong to wish those things on anyone, but he was angry at his father, and couldn’t help it. When he had finally finished everything it was way past his bed time, so with sleepiness in his eyes he slowly climbed into bed.

It was 1:30 in the morning when he was awakened by the presence of someone sitting beside him. He was still half asleep and for a second thought it was his mom. “James, wake up.” “Is that you mom?” answered James. “No you stupid boy, your mom is dead!”, replied his dad. “Oh sorry dad, I thought you were her.” “Well I’m not, so stop this foolishness of yours.” He didn’t answer back because he was more interested to know why he was waking him up so early, and why he was in his room. “Can I help you with something dad?” “Yes boy, you can.”, answered his dad.

“i know you just lost your mom and things not the same anymore, but you’re not the only one, I lost her too. That’s why we need to help each other get over it so we can move on with our life. Son you’re not a little boy anymore, you are a man, and as a man you have to do certain things.” James didn’t know what he was talking about, so he said nothing but just continued listening to his father. Without saying another word his father sat next to him and kissed him.

He tried getting away but his dad stopped him and said,”This is what men do.” As he lay in bed with his eyes closed he felt his father’s hands touching his body. “Why is he doing this to me? Please make him stop! I don’t want to be a man!” Nothing he said stopped his father from touching and kissing him that early morning. With his eyes tightly shut, his mind took him to a place where he could be safe from his dad. When he opened his eyes he was back in Mrs. Lewis’ history class.

THE VOICE OF A RAPIST part 1

It was 8:00 in the morning when the school bell rang as he hurried to his first class of the day. “I don’t want to be late!”, he thought. He ran faster up the stairs and straight to his class. “Good morning Mrs. Lewis.”, he said. “You are late again, James.” was her reply. “I’m sorry.” he said while taking his seat. Without looking up, he could still feel her staring at him. He knew what she was thinking. She’d been telling him “You’re late.” for a month now and he knew she wasn’t happy. Mrs. Lewis wasn’t the kind of teacher who tolerated her students arriving late. When that happened as regularly as in James’ situation it was only a matter of time until she would get in his business. She was that type of teacher, which many students hate and few appreciate. As he turned the page in his history book, he started to wonder back to a month ago when his life started to change.

It was the day after his mother’s death. He was in his room playing his game when his father came home. “Did you clean your room?” asked his dad. “Yes sir.” James said while looking up. As he watched his father turn to leave he could see the bottle in his hand. “When did he start drinking?” wondered James. “Oh well”, he said, continuing to play his game. He didn’t really care if his father drank or not because he and his father hadn’t been talking much since his mom died. James just walked over to the picture he had of his mom and, with tears in his eyes, he said, “I love you, MOM.”

“James! James!” “Yes Dad…” “Come here!” called his father. “I’m coming” James answered back. “Did you have anything to eat yet?” “Not yet.” replied James “Well your mom isn’t here to make you dinner, from now on you’ll be doing it for yourself.” said his father. “Did you hear me boy?” yelled his father. “Yes sir.”, James said. He was just ten when his mom died and he knew everything from now on would be different. As he walked past his parents’ room with the last left over of his mother’s cooking, he saw his dad on the floor with the bottle in his hand, fast asleep. “Oh Mom why did you have to leave me so soon?” he cried while walking to his room. As he sat in class with his thoughts locked far away in his mind, he could hear someone calling his name. “James! James!” “Yes Mom!”, he shouted. It took him a few seconds to realize its wasn’t his mother’s voice he had heard but that of his teacher. “I’m not your mother, James. Pay attention in my class or I’ll be forced to make you stand for the rest of the period.!” Yes ma’am”, replied James as he sat back down. With his head facing the window he realized the whole class was laughing at him. He felt like crying but knew the class would laugh even more, so he just held his head down and stared at his book. The sound of a bird made him turn to the window again. Staring at it he wondered, “How can I pay attention if the voice of the rapist is in my head?”

WORKING WITH UNGODLY MEN!

Have you ever wondered why ungodly people always want you to take part in their conversation after knowing you are saved? Well I often wonder about that and am yet to figure out their motive.  In the past couple of months, GOD has favored me with the opportunity to work and learn a new skill. Unfortunately it hasn’t being easy due to the work environment.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect everything to be easy but this has been one hell of a struggle.  Every day the conversation on the job is about sex, f notes and everything worldly. I know I have done many of these in the past but no longer find passion for such behavior. When I am able to get away from them, I engulf the opportunity but I am rarely able to do that. It’s frustrating at times. Sadly, the supervisor is no better than the others. Why do they direct the question towards “you” and then look at you with a stupid look I don’t know. If they could learn to respect that everyone isn’t the same and everyone doesn’t like the same things they do, then things would be different.That doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anytime soon.

SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF!

I find myself shaking to a sound that is being played and smiling to something that is funny but vulgar. When I catch myself I feel so guilty! Other times I want to curse at them and insult them but most often I just smile and ignore them. Someone told me that all I need to do is make sure that place doesn’t change me and that’s what I take into account every day. Sometimes I wish to find another job, some kind of ministry, where I can be around positive people but not everyone is meant to work in ministry… and even that isn’t always fun. My pastor once said a job is designed to pay you and nothing else. That thought helps me to push forward.

The things they say to drag you in!

Here are some examples of what they say to me on a daily basis:

  1. Have you ever had sex?
  2. Have you ever lied?
  3. Do you still have feelings and what do you do with them?
  4. Are you gay?
  5. Pastor sins to and GOD understands and forgives.
  6. How can you do it?
  7. I am sure that you do sin.

These are just some of the questions they use to draw me into their ungodly conversations. God help me because I haven;t always been successful in keeping my mouth closed. It truly isn’t easy to be a Christian in an ungodly place but with His help I am staying strong.